Venom: The Last Dance (2024)
Love means never having to say you're hungry
Watched "Venom 3" with the squad the other night. Masculinity is in crisis. Some say men should have their own planet--others say "It already exists, it's called Philly." Others listen to Joe Rogan, or false prophet Jordan Peterson. Others post on LinkedIn, extolling the virtues of success-win-business-mindset-genius. Yet others double down on craft breweries, hoping for a rare gem that won’t cause night-blindness. And still others doubt modern masculinity can be saved.
All of these people are deluded. We already have the answer: the highly inspirational Venom series. Venom 1, 2, and 3 are droll romcoms about a sweaty, weird British man speaking several different American accents, and the love of his life, the alien Venom symbiote. Between eating evil brains they're the Golden Girls, yet somehow even sexier. In a better world, every cape movie would copy Venom--the first movie had loud Tom Hardy squatting in a restaurant lobster tank, eating a living crustacean.
Anyhoo, the subject of Venom is not about marine life or 'splosions. It's about positive masculine bonding, and how male emotional intimacy is being attacked on all sides by the forces of capitalism and the National Security state.
The question must be asked: in this age, can dudes rock? This movie's answer: yes, as long as it comes from a place of vulnerability, compassion, and genuine respect. This is why many people are saying this is “Master & Commander: The Far Side of the World” but for Gen Z. Well, they technically aren’t yet—but they will soon enough.
The plot? I refuse to give it to you, because that’s beside the point, and also, there's no plot. Just Eddie and Venom longing for a quiet life together, and oh yeah, there's Area 51 and some hippies, and an awesome power couple of lady scientists who also get symbiotes to fight Dollar Tree outer-space Sauron. Also, horsey go fast.
The Venom movies are absolute garbage, but in a wonderful way. Megalopolis is a sin against God because it reads like a man with a headwound decided to explain "The Fountainhead." There's just nothing there.
Venom is beautiful because it has a heart: a film based on a bromance so believable that it's like if "The Notebook" was good. Indeed, if getting a Tom Hardy Venom Extended Universe meant aerosolizing Robert Downey Jr. into a fine blood mist, I would rent a wood chipper immediately. There would be carnage, to quote Carnage in "Venom 2: Let There Be Carnage."
We live in a divided age. The Venom series is about how all of us -- no matter how we might disagree, whatever our position on fighting crime and eating brains -- are stronger together than apart. I guess what I'm saying is, We are Venom.
