The Devil's Advocate (1997)

"You pull your own strings."

There are a handful of movies which convince the humble viewer that they are vibrating out of their skull. This is how "The Devil’s Advocate" works. It offends me that there was a recorded time where it didn’t exist--indeed, this film *had* to exist, because here is a movie premise too dumb not to be dreamed up, screenplayed, and eventually cast with actual great actors in a mid-90s Hollywood so blissfully high on its own supply that psychology/drug historians will need new terms to describe it.

For one brief fluttering moment in time--the Clinton Administration--Keanu Reeves and talking statue of American cinema Al Pacino could shout a lot and engage in an acting duel of who can better play a total maniac. There are WWE suplexes more subtly rendered than this story.

Working from a critic's greatest tools--memory and lies--I can tell you that "Advocate" is the story of how the Devil has a child by a mortal woman, which is ironic since this role is played by the nicest living man on Earth, Keanu Reeves. Anyway, Keanu's character, Kevin Lomax, he's a lawyer, and his special area of practice is just the worst Southern accent you’ve ever heard. There are plot points but I refuse to watch this movie again or even look up the major "arcs." It would degrade and nastify me to do so. This film does not care if I get the details right, I assure you, any more than the Bloomin' Onion at Outback Steakhouse cares how you eat it.

Keanu--let’s just call the character that, okay?--gets lawyer-famous, and so he gets called up to the big leagues for Manhattan power attorney and barking weirdo, Al Pacino, here called "John Milton," even though it’s clearly Pacino playing Pacino. This is the part of Al's career (Heat, Scent of a Woman) where he SHOUTS half his LINES to a YOUNGAH MAN, who needs GUIDANCE, hoo-ah! OH YEAH. Milton has lines like "Who, in their right mind, Kevin, could possibly deny the twentieth century was entirely mine?" So true, dawg.

Under Milton's tutelage, Keanu ends up doing many morally questionable things, such as starring in this film. Also, Keanu's wife is Charlize Theron--it turns out she's very much buzzkilling against the entire "Let's make the apocalypse happen," which means that Keanu ends up macking on a coworker. What the viewer must keep in mind at all times here is that none of this makes a freakin' lick of sense. We get the general gist: "Advocate" is Grisham's "The Firm" with supernatural elements, like if John Grisham had been a fantasy writer, or just a writer, period.

"Advocate" is also a Whitman's sampler of creepy set pieces written by someone who must be, to use the memorable phrase of the podcast "How Did This Get Made," the grossest dude to ever live. I don't know whose name is actually on the script, and I don't care, since I know in my heart this was written by a sweaty fellow who eats only prime rib. He gave us a movie where Pacino acts like a complete freak in twenty monologues about real estate, the practice of law, McLovin', and probably a hundred topics that I have flash-frozen in the deep mind-caverns where trauma's stored.

Look, there's a lot going on here and nearly all of it is unforgivable, either morally or aesthetically, including Delroy Lindo winning a court case through, I kid you not, voodoo. "Advocate" makes you feel dirty when you spend time with it, like being in a 2 AM Whataburger near a dive bar. It doesn't have contempt for its audience, it seems barely aware of its audience.

And yet "Advocate's" biggest crime is that the Devil is shown as a magnetic A-list actor with taste and manic charisma: "In spite of ALL his imperfections, I'm a FAN OF MAN!"

Not to put too fine a point on it, but if he existed, the Devil would be an idiot, not a gentleman of wealth and taste. The Devil loves "Margaritaville" unironically. The Devil has strong positive feelings about condo ownership as a financial investment, which are superseded by his troubling fixation on crypto. The Devil has Joe Rogan on repeat, but resistantly, because he has described Rogan as "too intellectual" and "kind of fancy." The Devil swears his large, smooth gamer son has the bulk to "play college football" if only he would work out. "He's hella strong, though." The Devil doesn't vote because "reasons." The Devil smokes the worst schwag you've ever inhaled and right now, yes, right now, is in a dispute with his ex-girlfriend about his dog, who he will tell you that he loves more than that woman, did you know she's making his life a literal living hell, and I gotta be honest, I love that dog more than her (puts on wraparound shades). This movie wants to wear a bejazzled tube top to family court in the worst way. It succeeds.